Tired!

It has beeenn forever. I have beeenn asleep and don't feel a thing. I'm exhausted and sleepy. I used to write my diaries back since in elementary. After I married my wife threw my stuff away. She said it was childish. Oh, whatever..............................

SO, I hate my situation, not my life. I hate to work, not my game. I love to argue, not to fight.
I will tell you not my life.

Killer dream.
I dream of sleep and sleep I need. I had this dream that I was asleep.
I have this desire for a nice soft bed. So, have my blankets cover my warm dead body.
Tonight I walk and drag my feet. I scream,"I'm FUCKING EXHAUSTED LET ME SLEEP!!!"
I cursor my self for not sleeping that well.
I wish I had more time to sleep.
I close my eyes as I walk the beat. I wish nothing more than a good night sleep.
Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day.
I'll die and sleep all day. =)


PS
this blog was in my draft..it's orginal date is from 09/30/2007.

Psycho Analysis

 It's all too familiar in the manner which she smiles. It's not all that familiar the way you shy away ....

From East to Snelling it will take me there until I'm gone...  Night bye night it was the worst when she was gone.

The only thing I can do now is to cherish that which I never had. 

Waiting... waiting...  waiting until she is home...

Waiting... waiting...  waiting until she is gone...

 Two months was all I got from beginning to end. I have forgiven myself for not being cruel enough. I have tried so hard not to understand that which you always keep... I have forgiven your lonely state of mind. Just keep dreaming of a better life. 

Lets us focus our attention in your thoughts and in your infertility. What makes me question every little detail about your life and how you make me feel... Is your perception towards me.

When you leave and leave you will. How will I truly feel in your absence?

My sweet friend I know you know that I know and I cry slowly in the cold corner of your very poor story... In a lucid dream by a beautiful tree. I sit and chase you all night with the desire in your silver eyes. 

Is it really dating when I am married. Is it really love when I am drunk. 

The taste and smell of fresh brewed coffee reminds me of my divorce.. It just echos... it echos and it echos.

Same songs, different symbols and different temples are who we are.

How do I know you know.

Setting standards... One silently accuses the other of visiting her dream. Can you sleep standing or seating in dark cold morgue? Because nothing seems to work for me. No matter how you say it. No matter how you sleep. This dream will become a reality. But, I don't want to carry this feeling for her anymore. Can you hear me?... Can you love her?...Can you help me stop this?...  The hammer just keeps grinding me into the ground.

The mice will return to finish what they extracted. The starvation of millions are every where and our pennies save our habits alone.  Please tell me what I want to hear and show me how you care. Is it one scoop or two lumps to die at your feet?

She is scaling his heart to find his book. She is facing reality without her joy.

Elsa where are you?...
How are you?... Why do I even care that you are gone?... We sat across from different paths. We sat idle in the devils hands. He sat on the edge of your bed and read your palm. Foolish lecture of riddles of life and misery. It's more than what you can read and see.

Keep swimming towards the shore and leave your thoughts behind. Keep swimming towards the light. Heartfelt bruised and salted you will be embraced. Showered in guilt and shame you will always be chased away. Sunday is one of those beautiful days I saved for you Melody. But, I don't feel like going home alone.

I'm still right here.

I guess if Satan can dance. The moon will bleed itself to death.
Behold and witness the mushroom cloud on the horizon. Are you ready?

  Not today, maybe tomorrow. But, I am not waiting. What is it about that something, that one thing that lingers? You pause and think and question the behavior. He lacks knowledge, sleep and awareness. She devours his dreams at night. She cooks her heart for dinner and poisons his moon pies. Her smile is blood red and you are a psychopath! My speech becomes blurred and mumbled. But not slurred. My vision shakes and I feel relaxed. I start dreaming a very lucid dream. Dark shadow speaks to me in a demonic voice. Paralysis sinks in. I struggle to wake myself up. Only to be falsely awaken. I am now stuck between reality and my nightmare. The shadow points towards a two way mirror. In the other side of this mirror is reality and I can see myself sleeping on a dark lonely park bench. I hit and kick the mirror trying to break it. I scream and throw my whole body against it. Nothing works and I finally give up. It's been while since we last spoke and I had this dream of you and me waiting for salvation. Let’s start one more time this reoccurring dream. But, this time I will read it in my sleep.

Fucking life gone awry!

Fucking divorced. Left hanging from lamp post. I see that clear. I resent you. I don't like you anymore. I need you to understand that this is all your fault... But, some how I am to blame. I guess whatever makes you feel better... Morning shadow cast on me. A kiss of lust and death. A kiss of a bitter friendship. Never to tell. Then again in the end you never really changed. Oh well, I need you to hurry up and get better. SO, I can move on with my life. You are sucking me dry.

Degenerate ideological mess

Seeking the feeling that will endure. The devil descends from heaven. Angels tears shower the dead. Churches towers crumple in shame.

With a big grim on his face. He spits on the ritual of love. It is pure but not sanctified. The view is in a angle I can not portray.

Sharp razor lies get smeared with blood of the holy. The guilty get washed away in sin. And I pray this prayer.

"Forgive the liars for their trespasses. Only remember them by the loves ones they killed. Bless this sin I have committed for her. Father I know that I'm no use to you. So cast me to my enemies. Devour me in fire. Help with this guilt and the devastation of this shame. AMEN!".Posted: May 22 2009 (4 days ago) 06:44 PM

Eroded

Vicky my vice. Codin not so nice. Let the pill swim in your mind and forget her in time.
She eroded inside my mind. I open her up and crush her until she became nothing. She turns into dust inside my mouth and I swallow her down. Please leave her alone...

She rips my nerves apart and I enjoys every moment of it. Blood seeks out from my hip and I laugh with her. Do it one more time until I die. Let me have you one more time. She seduces me like no other. I want to rapture her and then hang her upside down from the sky.

Take that hand of yours and rip my skin apart. Take my broken bone and mend it with glue. Remember when I was sane? Remember when I used to love you. Remember me when I sleep in hell tonight.

Let's get this over with. I'm so messed up all I want is for her to kill this delusional pain of me. Cleanse me with your soft white skin.
Save me tonight from this horrible pain.
Posted: May 16 2009 10:01 PM